Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
