can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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