he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
