What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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