There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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