You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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