My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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