Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
