just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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