She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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