so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
