Cold hands, warm shart.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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