when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
