I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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