she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
