i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
