I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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