btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize