Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Panties = found
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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