so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize