He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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