Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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