He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
