I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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