yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
