when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Vodka?
Forever.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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