i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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