Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i dont even know how to be here
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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