im drinking this country out of the recession.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
