I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i dont even know how to be here
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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