i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
