Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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