my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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