Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
