Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
