i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
