sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
