we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
