ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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