This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
