Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
