you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
