I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
