she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
