im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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