I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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