I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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