It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
