Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Someone came in the potted fern
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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