so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Boobs speak an international language.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
These tits shall not be calmed
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize