o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
