One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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