Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
