He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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