Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
A bitchslap is in order.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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