he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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