Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
