He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
