My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my sisters under your porch take her home
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
